Monday, December 17, 2012

RESCUE~Chapter 5

How's the action in this chapter? Does it sound like it's coming from a kid's book? Honest? And...are the characters coming across as shallow? How's the flow of everything? Any other thoughts, PLEASE? Thanks!


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Chapter 5

Melody heard a gunshot, followed by a shout, break out from her pursuer as she jumped and then the muted sound of rushing water as the river engulfed her.
She opened her eyes, but it did her little good in the murky water. All she could see was dark brown and sparse bits of sunlight shining down.
She kicked down to keep herself from floating to the top until she could swim far enough away to be out of sight of the gunman. She was thankful for her swimming classes now and that she'd kept up her practice every week, but she knew that wouldn't do her much good if she couldn't get a breath in soon. The suction of the water around her body weighed down on her chest, making her lungs feel like balls of led and she gritted her teeth as she continued to pull and kick at the water, trying to ignore the burning pain of her lungs.
It seemed like forever before she couldn't take it any more and finally shot herself to the surface, sucking in a labored breath before she'd fully emerged and breathing in almost as much water as air. She sputtered and choked, coughing up water and still treading against the strong current.
Her lungs burned more and more every time she tried to breathe in or stroke with her arms, but she continued to do both of them steadily as she looked around to see that she had apparently lost her attacker. Either she'd been able to out-swim him, or he'd given up. Or that gunshot hadn't come from him...
“Hey!” Someone shouted from the shore.
She started and looked over, coughing up another mouthful of water and going under again for a minute. When she came back up, she saw a man dive into the river and begin to swim towards her.
Panic surged through her and she rolled back over and began swimming as fast as she could down the river.
She kicked and squirmed through the water and allowed the current to drag her as fast as it could, but it did her little good. In less than a minute, she felt a hand grasp her ankle and yank her back.
She turned and used the man who held her leg to push down and shoot herself up out of the water and fall back down on him. She smacked and punched and kicked like an animal, climbing on his shoulders to get leverage over him and tried to suck in air. But she could hear herself wheezing even over the sound of the river and she felt her head buzzing as everything flashed in and out of focus.
“Melody!” The man screamed, gurgling water as she pushed him down. “Melody! Stop! It's me, Jason!”
She relaxed and let herself slide off of his shoulders and, holding onto them instead, leaned over into the water coughing and choking in air.
Looking up she let out a laugh that was really more of a sob as she recognized her brother.
He grabbed her around the waste and began to swim towards the shore, practically dragging her behind him.
She hadn't realized until now, how cold the water was and she began to shiver as Jason dragged her up into the shallower water. She scraped her toes against the ground and scrambled until she could rest her whole foot on the slimy sand and stumble to the shore.
Jason released his grip on her and stood up, bending over and resting his hands on his knees, breathing heavily.
Melody fell on her stomach with her feet still in the water. She crossed her arms and rested her forehead against them, choking in air and coughing up water every couple of breaths.
“What happened?” Jason asked, kneeling next her and helping her sit up.
She shook her head and coughed again, spitting a trail of thick mucous onto the sandy ground.
“Okay, just breathe. Breathe.” He knelt in front of her. “Is your inhaler back in the truck?”
She shook her head. “I left it at home.”
“How many times have I told you-”
“Jason, please. I'm fine,” she nodded and sucked in a good, deep breath. “I'm okay. I don't need it.”
Jason gritted his teeth and wrinkled his eyebrows together, then nodded slowly. “Okay. Can you walk?”
“Of course I can walk.” She jumped up and realized that was a stupid move as everything flashed black and she stumbled a step backwards.
“Just rest for-”
“No.” She shook her head, blinking everything back into focus. “I'm fine. Come on, we've got to get back to the truck and get home. Please, let's just go home.”
Jason nodded and began to walk back towards the treeline. “Okay.”
They climbed up the short bank and into the woods and Melody groaned as she looked down at her bare feet. “Who was that?”
“I-I don't know. Not for sure.”
“What do you mean, not for sure? You know something.”
He shook his head. “No. Come on, we've got to find the truck before it gets dark.” He stepped in front of her and began working his way through the trees at a slow jog.
“Jason, wait!” Melody ran up to him and grabbed his arm. “I was almost freaking killed back there! You can't just shake your head and not tell me anything! What the heck is going on? Does it have anything to do with Dad and his business that's always none of our business?”
“I told you I don't know for sure!” Jason screamed.
Melody took a step back and cringed. He never yelled at her. “Okay. Then-what-when-”
“Just don't ask questions, okay?”
She shook her head. “I don't understand.”
Jason looked up at the treetops and let out a long breath. “Neither do I.”
She nodded and sighed. “Okay.” Letting her head droop, she began to walk on through the woods and heard Jason close behind her, scuffling through the brush.
They had no sense of direction, not knowing how far down the river they'd gone or in what way the road that the truck was on even lay and to make matters worse, the sun was beginning to go down.
Melody walked on, hugging herself and trying to keep herself from shaking as much as she could. Adrenaline still shot through her entire body and her red hair and cut off jeans were soaked and her wet shirt clung to her, chilling her to the bone. “Jason?” She said, turning around to see him still kicking his way along, staring at the ground.
“What?” He looked up and walked forward.
“Do you have any idea where we are going?”
He stopped and looked around, taking a breath in and slowly letting it out, then shaking his head. “Nope.”
Melody let out a choked laugh and raised her eyebrows, saying, “Well, you don't sound too worried about it.”
He shrugged and kept walking forward, passing her and not even looking back. He just kicked at the ground every few steps, his head remaining bowed.
“What is wrong with you?”
He didn't reply, but continued with his mechanical walk.
“Jason!” Melody ran up to him and grab his shoulder, spinning him around.
He looked down at her and she caught the glisten of tears in his eyes.
“Jay, what's going on? What's wrong?”
Jason shook his head and swallowed hard. “Mel, listen. If I tell you, you can't tell anyone. You can't even talk to me about it, okay? Don't-just-trust me when I say you can't talk to anyone about it. It's-this is a matter of life and death. Do you understand?”
Melody felt the blood drain from her face, then her heart began pounding in her throat and she swallowed down urge to cry. “No,” she almost laughed. “I don't understand! This is too sudden. Too-”
“It's time to grow up, Melody. Okay? You can't be a little girl about this. This is an adult matter. I mean, this is beyond an adult matter. There's no room for childish reactions here. Got it? You're eighteen, not twelve. Start acting like it.”
“What the heck has gotten into you?”
“Do you want me to tell you what's going on or not?” He asked, gazing firmly into her eyes.
“You're not even acting like-”
“Melody! There's no room for that. Stop it and listen to me.” He paused, then proceeded slowly. “Do you understand?”
“I-I-yeah, I mean-yes. Yes.” She nodded and glanced nervously at the ground. “Okay.” She looked back up at him and nodded again. “Go ahead.”
Jason stared hard into the distance for a minute then looked back down at his sister. “This does have to do with Dad. I didn't even know about it until a few months ago.”
“Why didn't I know?”
“Don't ask questions. Just listen.” Jason reached into his back pocket and pulled a piece of paper from it. It was damp from the river, but he unfolded it and handed it to Melody.
She held it up and strained in the dimming light to read it, then shook her head. “It's just a picture of a blue X.”
Jason nodded. “Exactly. It's a mission launch call.”
“What?” She wrinkled her face in a perplexed expression.
“Do you remember Dad mentioning that he might have to go to Germany for an extended period of time a few months ago?”
Melody nodded.
“Well, there's...there's something big going on over there. I can't tell you all about it, but I think we're more involved than we realize.”
“Involved in what?”
Jason kicked at a pine cone and swayed from stomped his feet lightly like an nervous horse.
“Jason. Involved in what?”
“Okay,” he said. “There is a German general named Fredrick Buckeimer. He's like...like a second Hitler or something, only his plans are much quicker and deadlier to a lot more people.”
Melody shook her head. “I don't understand.”
“It-” Jason stopped and snapped his gaze up, past Melody.
“What is it?” She looked behind her.
“Duck!” Jason grabbed the back of her head and slammed her on the ground next to him.
A boom rang out and something smacked into the earth ahead of them.
“Get up! Run! Run!” Jason grabbed Melody by the arm and yanked her to her feet, not even giving her time to get her balance before he began to drag her along.
She scrambled to get her feet underneath her and broke into a full out run, keeping close to Jason.
He reached back and grabbed her hand, whipping her up in front of him and giving her a push. “Run! Don't stop!”
“Where are you going?” She screamed, obeying his orders.
“I'll be right behind you, just run!”
A thousand thoughts raced through Melody's mind almost as fast as she was running. Her breathing was getting labored again and she could feel her legs growing weaker. No, she told herself. Knock it off and run. She forced herself to focus on the rhythm of her feet as the pounded onto the rough ground, each step sending her deeper and deeper into the forest.
Another shot rang out and she heard a shout. She looked back to see Jason grab his arm and stumble to the ground.
“Jay!” She shrieked, turning back to him.
“Keep going!” He shouted at her, picking himself back up and running towards her. “Don't stop!”
She continued to run and glanced back at him again. She couldn't tell if he was hurt badly or not, the light was growing dimmer and dimmer and she could barely see her way through the trees let alone Jason's wounded arm.
Her heart roared in her chest, sending a pulse through her entire body, climaxing in her head where it pounded so loud that she could barely hear anything else.
She coughed and continued to choke in air as she ran.
She looked up to see if there was a break in the trees and any way to tell her way out of the woods, but before she could tell, she slammed into something and fell on back, slamming her head against the ground.
She lay stunned for a minute and blinked as a shadow rose over her. The shadow of a large man. He reached down and grabbed her hand, pulling her up and setting her on her feet.
Screaming, she kicked at the man and tried to pull herself free from his grasp, but he held tightly to her.
“Jason!” She shouted, looking back. The sound of footsteps were heard pounding towards them and in an instant her brother was beside her, grabbing her arm and pulling her towards him.
The other man released her without resistance and Melody threw her arms around her Jason.
“It's okay, Mel. It's okay. He's a friend.”
She looked back and up at the man who stood over them, a full head taller than Jason. She could just barely make out his face in the moonlight and saw that he wasn't glaring or scowling at them at all, but she still held tightly to her brother.
Their new comrade reached out and said, “Come on, we've got to-”
But, before he could finish his sentence another gunshot rang out and he crumpled to the ground as three other men ran up behind them.
Jason forced Melody down and ran at them, but skidded to a stop just a few feet in front of them as they all raised pistols and held them level with his chest.

4 comments:

  1. I really liked this chapter! I think the flow is good, and the amount of excitement you put in it is really good! It left me wanting to know what happens next! Glad to see you writing again!

    Merry Christmas!
    Tirzah

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  2. Another great chapter! Plenty of good action here. I like the exchange between Mel and Jason right before he starts to tell her things. It feels real the way he's snappy with her, shouting at random, ect. It worked.

    The only thing I noticed that I wondered about is when Jason reminded Melody about the time when their Dad said he might have to be in Germany for a while. If he was going over there to help or somehow be a part of this plot, it seems he wouldn't have told them he was going to Germany at all. It's too much information that they don't need that could compromise his scheme (or get him in trouble with the people who are using him, whatever the case may be). Unless he wanted them to know about the plot, of course. Just a thought.

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  3. "It seemed like forever before she couldn't take it any more and finally shot herself to the surface" This kind of sounds like it's taking forever for her to not be able to hold her breath anymore. That actually seems like it would be a good thing to hold ones breath that long. (If you get my meaning) ;)

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  4. Oh, GREAT action, by the way. Loved it. :D

    "Jason dragged her up into the shallower water." I don't think the word up is the right word her. It gives me a different picture than what you are intending.

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