How is the flow in this chapter? Is the pacing slowed down enough? Are you intrigued? And does it make sense?
Oh! And I found pictures of all three of my main characters! :D I may post those later if y'all are interested.
Oh...and apparently I have a new character. I say "apparently" because I had not planned for this dude at all. Have no idea where he came from, but he's insisting he stays. So, I just need to find him a last name and a face. I'm actually pretty glad that he popped up when he did. He may just be the element that I knew my story needed. Kinda a lighter element to keep things from getting just too depressing. :P
Anyways...I'd really appreciate any and all thoughts. On this chapter and how it's working with the rest of the book so far. Thanks so much! :)
(Errr...I can't get the formatting on blogger to let me indent the paragraphs >.<)
~.~.~.~.
Chapter 2
“Hollister!” The German
accent rippled through the air from an old, heavyset man lounging in
his desk chair. “Where is that boy?”
A man in his mid-twenties,
wearing a uniform that resembled that of the German military, ran
into the room and skidded to a stop, bowing low, then stood at
attention. “Yes, Heir Buckeimer.”
He sat up and leaned
forward. “Why are you never here when I need you? I am leaving for
a meeting in Berlin in twenty minutes and I am forced to take you
with me.”
“A meeting?”
“Don't ask questions,
just follow and do as I say!”
Hollister bowed again and
said, “What would you have me do, sir?”
“Whatever I say to do,
dumcoff! Get my briefcase from the cabinet and bring it here, then go
get yourself some clothes packed. We will be gone over the whole of
this week.”
“Yes, sir.” Bowing one
last time, Hollister turned to leave the room.
“And, boy!” The old
German's voice shot towards him.
Hollister turned and looked
back. “Sir?”
“Not a word of this to
anyone. This meeting is top secret and I will have you shot if anyone
but you and me in this compound know about it. As a matter of fact, I
will shoot you myself. Understood?”
Hollister hesitated, then
nodded. “Understood, Heir Buckeimer.” He turned again and went
out of the room, towards his quarters.
Stepping into his room, he
reached to the right and flipped the light switch on to illuminate
the room with a soft, yellow light. He went over to his closet and
pulled out a duffel bag before turning and proceeding to pull
different articles of clothing out of his dresser drawers.
His thoughts raced as he
tried to imagine what this meeting could be about and why Buckeimer
had chosen to take him instead of his regular attendant, Mueller. Why
would there even have to be a top secret meeting? Germany was at
peace. At least, as at peace as it always had been since Hollister
could remember. And what part would he have in it? Maybe Mueller was
sick and he was just the most available man. But, no...that couldn't
be it. He hadn't been raised to just be a general's attendant. He
knew things. More than most of the men in the compound.
The door opened behind him
and he turned to see his room-mate standing there, staring down at
him. “Where are you going, Derek?”
He shrugged and placed a
shirt into the bag. “Just on a trip.”
“But, where? I never
heard of any trip. Are you going alone?”
“I can' talk about it,
Peter.”
Peter sat down on the bed
and raised his cigarette to his mouth. “Why on earth not?”
“I have orders. It's top
secret and I'm not to talk about it to anyone.”
His friend jumped up,
nearly knocking the pile of clothes on the bed over. “You don't
think this could have anything to do with Fellcamp Mission, do you?”
Derek stopped folding the
shirt he was holding and looked up. “I-I don't know. I wasn't told
anything.”
“It must be, Derek! It
must be! And that is why they are choosing you to go. That's why they
have been putting you through so much special training and...”
“Lower your voice!”
Derek hissed, jumping up and slamming the door shut. “You're not
supposed to know any of this. You'll get us both in trouble if anyone
knows what I've told you.”
“Alright, alright. Yes,
I'm sorry. But, think about it. And after the conversation I
over-heard last week...it must be a Code Blue being called.”
“You don't even know
where I'm going. And-wait, what phone call did you overhear?”
“It was Buckeimer talking
to the American doctor.”
“Willard?”
“Yes, Willard.”
“How did you hear it?”
Derek forgot about his packing and stared at his friend.
“How I heard it is
irrelevant and what you don't know can't hurt you.”
Derek shook his head and
crossed his arms. “Have it your way. But, tell me what was said.”
“Well, I could only hear
the General's side, but it sounded like he was really hammering
Willard for the package.”
“What package?”
Peter shrugged. “I don't
know what's in the package, but it must be important because he was
threatening the lives of Willard's entire family.”
Derek took a deep breath,
then went back to his clothes and continued folding them. “Even
supposing all that you say is true, this doesn't necessarily mean
that they are launching the Fellcamp Mission.”
“What else could it
mean?” Peter nearly shouted.
“I-I don't know.. But, we
can't assume anything and we especially can't let Buckeimer know what
pieces we put together. He has executed men for less.”
“Right.” Peter nodded
and crammed his cigarette into an ashtray on the nightstand next to
him. “How long will you be gone?”
“I'm not supposed to-”
“Oh, can it, Derek.”
Peter snorted. “You've told me way more than that before.”
“He said he'd personally
shoot me if I told anyone anything.”
Peter whistled and grinned.
“That confirms everything in my mind.”
“What? Because Buckeimer
would shoot someone? We've seen him shoot nearly half a dozen men
before. Why would one more be such a big deal?”
“Not just that he would
shoot one more man, Derek. That he would shoot you.”
Derek looked up and raised
an eyebrow as he he zipped the duffel closed.
“They have been putting
you through more special training than all the rest of us combined.
There has to be a reason. And a big one. They obviously have a plan
for you and so for Bucky to say he'd just shoot you...that's got to
mean something substantial.”
Derek stood up, slinging
the bag over his shoulder and looked at his friend. “Peter, listen.
You may be right.”
He raised an eyebrow.
“Okay,” Derek sighed.
“You're probably right. But, if you are, that means that we have to
be more careful now than we ever have been. Only a handful of us even
know about the mission and why we are all here.”
Peter nodded and tried to
look serious, but couldn't hide the twinkle in his young eyes. “Just
think, Derek. What we have been waiting for our entire lives may be
starting to finally happen.”
“I don't know, Peter. And
I don't know if I'm ready for that to happen. We know more than most,
but we still don't know everything. Something about it isn't right.”
“Lighten up! You're
probably their secret weapon! I mean, why else would they be taking
you or put you through all that training?”
Derek shoved past his buddy
and laid his hand on the doorknob. Looking back he said, “I said
you may be right, but we don't know for sure. And we have to be
careful, Pete. Hold things down until I get back, okay?”
Peter nodded and slapped
his friend on the back. “Stay safe.”
~R~
“Come
on, Hollister!”
Derek
felt himself being jolted back and forth by a hand, grasping his
shoulder. Blinking, he looked up and into the face of Buckeimer. He
sat up and looked around, the gentle humming of the small jet's
engine catching his attention.
“We
are landing in ten minutes and I don't want them seeing you looking
like that!”
“Who
seeing me? Looking like what?”
“I
told you not to ask questions. Just get up and get yourself looking
halfway decent.”
Derek
stood up and walked to the bathroom where he pulled a comb out of his
pocket and proceeded to sweep it through his short, blond hair as he
looked in the mirror.
He
realized that his hands were shaking as he fastened his top button.
Looking back at his reflection he saw that his steel blue eyes were
slightly reddened. Was he nervous? What was there to be nervous
about? He was just attending the general.
No.
No matter how much he lied to himself, or tried to lie to himself, he
knew the truth. He didn't know if Peter was right or not, but
something was up. Something big. And he was obviously involved. He
felt his stomach churn as he stepped back out and took his seat for
landing.
Buckeimer began to shoot out words as the plane gently bounced on he
ground and gradually came to a stop. “When we get off, I don't want
you to say a word more than is absolutely vital. Do you hear me? And
do exactly as I say. Follow nobody's orders but my own until I say
to. Am I clear, Hollister?”
Derek
looked over and nodded at the general. “Very clear, sir.”
“Good.
Now, come on.”
The
door lowered into stairs and Derek grabbed his duffel bag, following
Buckeimer down onto the cement.
Three
men wearing black suits and dark sunglasses walked towards them.
Buckeimer
waited until one of them approached him, shaking his hand with a
little bow. “We are honored that you have responded so quickly,
General.”
Derek
looked at the speaker and saw the he was not German. His skin was too
dark, but he couldn't tell much more because of the sunglasses
covering his eyes.
“Just
get us somewhere safe, quickly.” Buckeimer replied, turning to
shake the hands of the other two men. “We will talk more in the
car.”
“Right
this way, sir. I will get your bag to ensure the utmost security.”
“Good.
Come along, Hollister!”
Derek
followed silently behind the four men as they walked towards the
black limousine a dozen or so yards away.
One
of the dark skinned men opened the door and bowed as the general got
in. The two other men were next, then Derek slid into his seat with
the last man who held the door, following him and sitting down across
from him.
Derek
sat with his back to the back window as the general lit a cigar and
began puffing smoke into the air.
“You
are sure that the car has not been bugged?”
“Completely
sure, General.” The apparent leader of the three men said. It was
then that Derek was really able to pick up his accent. He'd never
heard it before, but it seemed to go well with his dark tan skin.
“Good, then we can get down to business. I have brought the boy,
just as you suggested.” Buckeimer motioned towards Derek with a
sweep of his hand.
“You
believe he is prepared?”
“I
don't know. But, he is more prepared than any of my other men. And
this mission is long over-due.”
“Are
we sure that this is the right time to start things? Are we
prepared?” Another of the men said in broken German.
Buckeimer
chuckled. “I used to think that we would never be ready for it. And
I still think that. But if we are ever going to launch the Fellcamp Mission, it's now or never.”
Gah! Finally! I was just checking this blog with the thought to leave a sarcastic, childish comment about how long it's been since chapter 1 was posted.
ReplyDeleteYou are redeemed.
This time.
But alas! It's supper time. Sheesh. I'll have to return to this later.
Finally? I've been doing /other/ stuff. :P
DeleteAnd I was going to leave a sarcastic comment on Ian Steele's blog about how talkative he is...posting three chapters in one day. That's just ridiculous and I am so jealous!!! Gah, yourself.
Redeemed? I knew that.
Yes, yes...go eat. Then come tear my book apart. You'll have more energy for it with a full stomach. :P
P.S. I kinda stole your formatting with my character's pictures... *cough* sorry?
Other stuff...hmm...
DeleteWell, nobody said anything about tearing anything up.
You what? Well, first of all, you're not sorry and you know it. Secondly, why should you? I'm thrilled to be imitated. Neither of those questions really bear consequence, however. The only one that does is...where are the pictures?
Yeah, apparently it's going around.
DeleteOoooh...well...would you please tear it up for me? I'd be most obliged.
Haha...okay. Thanks. :P They're in my documents, of course. Where do you /think/ they are?
Well I was hoping we'd get to see them.
DeleteWell, I posted them. :) Thanks for the interest. :)
DeleteInterest? Really, now. :P
DeleteOooh, this is cool. I like Derek already -- I presume he's the character that won't leave? And please post pictures! I'm super excited to see what everyone looks like.
ReplyDeleteI personally still feel like it should be longer - but you said this is going to be a shorter book, so that's cool too. :) For the length, the flow is really good. I like Derek (I have two characters with that name!) and Peter a lot..and I don't like the general. :P
Any idea when we should expect chapter three?
Actually...Derek was planned...Peter is the new character that won't leave.
DeleteHmmm, okay. I'll do that. :) Actually...I was saying I work better with shorter chapters. I plan on this being a full length novel. I think a lot of my editing will be adding.
No, sadly...no idea at all. I would write allll day eeevery single dawgon day of my life. But...well...I kinda have to do other things. :P I stay so busy that it's really hard to find time to write. But! I will get it up as soon as possible. :)
Hmm... I don't have much to say except (copying Eli here) I was going to leave a comment about the time elapsing between chapters one and two. :)
ReplyDeleteBut I guess I have no room to talk because I haven't written anything in my book for... a long time. :D
Thanks so much, Erin! Haha... I know I am slow about writing. Wish so much that I had more time for it lol. I really appreciate you taking the time to read and comment. :)
DeleteCertainly plenty of intrigue here. Questions. Plenty of questions. Also, the pacing is much improved, I think. It just works better and flows more smoothly. Not so rushed. I also think it makes as much sense as you intended, at this point. Of course there are questions, but good questions so it works just fine. Really, I have no complaints other than there are a few awkward places where it reads funny, but that's mostly just minor structural stuff that's pretty insignificant.
ReplyDeleteThis works. At this point I'm thinking that Hollister (it seems that I had a character named Hollister but I just can't remember who he was) is a good guy. And I'm hoping Peter comes back.
Great work, Anna. :)
...so...it works? :D Hehe...yay! That kinda makes me happy. :P This chapter kinda came out of nowhere and it got me excited about my book again. So...yeah...I'm glad it works.
DeleteWould you mind pointing out where it reads awkwardly?
I think you had s crafted named Hollis...that sounds tight for some reason...idk. There r still some characters of yours that I don't know.
Oh yes...peter comes back. And Hollister is actually the Derek from the last book. Just making him a much bigger character. Thnx so much for reading. I really appreciate it a lot. :)
Uh, yes. :P It works well, I think. Of course I don't know where you're going, but I like this. :)
DeleteSure. I'll have to read it again.
Keith Hollis was a guy in Target, but I changed his name to Meriwether. Hollister...still can't remember who that was. There are a ton of characters you don't know about, actually.
Of course. :)
Okay, awesome. Thanks. :) Hope it stays that way. :P
DeleteOkay...you don't have to if you don't remember where they are. Only if you wanted to...but seriously...you don't have to do that.
Hmmm...was he in Compensate? Oh, really? Cool. :P